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Making Time For Things That Matter: Seven Principles for Family-Centered Living

literate adj. 1 Able to read and write. 2 Educated; well read.

If kids believe what they see, rather than what they hear, it's important to cultivate habits that lead toward important life goals. If you want your kids to read, you must spend time reading. If you want kids to approach life with interest and enthusiasm, you must do so also. And if you want to encourage balanced use of time, it's important to let your kids see you relaxing and enjoying unstructured time, as well as engaging in interesting and constructive hobbies. Example has always been the best teacher.

Create a home environment rich in intellectual stimulation (more...).
Do and be: don't sit and stare (more...).
Include your children in adult activities (more...).
Rediscover solitude as a creative tool (more...).
Use current events to communicate about life issues within the family (more...).
Plant seeds of knowledge, then give them time to grow (more...).
Be aware of the seasons of life, and know what is best for life now. (more...).

Create a home environment rich in intellectual stimulation.
If home is to be where the heart is, it should be a place where interesting people and things are found. Children who have the opportunity to spend time at home with family will share many happy memories. Owning books is an investment, not only in pleasure, but also in literacy. Studies of the lives of creative men and women have shown that that the presence of books in their childhood home is a significant factor in their success. I know from experience that books in the house will eventually be read and referred to.

Walt Disney once said that "There is more treasure in books than in all the pirates' loot on Treasure Island and best of all, you can enjoy these riches every day of your life."

Other sources of intellectual stimulation include art supplies, board games, hobby materials, and creative toys such as blocks, Lego's, K'nex, and other imagination-stirring items. Early influences mean a lot - Frank Lloyd Wright's interest in architecture was sparked by a special set of building blocks he received as a child. Isn't it amazing that a creative gift can spark a lifelong interest?
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Do and be: don't sit and stare.
Encourage active participation rather than passive observation. Doing is always more interesting and memorable than simply watching or listening. In Dr. Jane Healy's book, Endangered Minds, she cites compelling scientific evidence that passive activities such as television watching seriously erode the ability of the mind to concentrate for reasonable periods of time or to process information logically. Neuroscientific research has proven that what children do every day, the ways in which they think and respond to the world, what they learn, and the stimuli to which they decide to pay attention- shapes their brain, not only in the way in which it is used, but also in its physical structure. Even if the overwhelming body of evidence available did not indicate that television watching was mentally, physically, and socially unhealthy, the fact would still remain that passive watching wastes time that could be spent doing something interesting and memorable. "Shakespeare, Leonardo da Vinci, Benjamin Franklin, and Abraham Lincoln never saw a movie, heard a radio, or looked at television. They had loneliness and knew what to do with it. They were not afraid of being lonely because they knew that was when the creative mood in them would work." (Carl Sandburg)

Instead of listening to or watching sports, go outside and play ball or Frisbee with your child. It's a sad fact that many children whose lives have been spent sitting have no idea how to play. Take time to show them. Teach them hopscotch, jump rope, marbles, tree climbing, hide and seek, fort-building, and other games of childhood. If they're not accustomed to doing things, it may take patience to get them going. But make no mistake- it will be worth it, physically, spiritually, mentally, and socially. You can do anything with children if you only play with them. (Prince Otto von Bismarck, 1815-1898)
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Include your children in adult activities.
Don't ever forget that children love to spend time with one or both parents. It doesn't matter- in fact it's often better- if the activity is not child-oriented. Most children eagerly look forward to becoming an adult, and they welcome the opportunity to tag along, ask questions, and even participate to the best of their ability in adult activities. Be the kind of adult you want your child to become (for children believe what they see, not what they hear), and let your child be with you as you do the things you most value. Henri Amiel (1821-1881) states " The inner and unconscious ideal which guides [the parent's] lives is precisely what touches the child; their words, their remonstrances, their punishments, their bursts of feeling even, are for him merely thunder and comedy; what they worship, this it is which his instinct divines and reflects." If you want to impart your faith, your values, even your love, let your child be with you. If you volunteer in the community, choose a service, such as visiting a local nursing home or helping at an animal shelter, that you can do as a family. The kind of memories created and habits established when you spend time together thinking of others are far more valuable than those earned from just another day of entertainment.
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Rediscover solitude as a creative tool.
Establish a daily quiet time in which each member of the family quietly and separately pursues personal interests. It would come as no surprise to mothers of small children that naptime is a wonderful time of day. It's a tradition worth continuing as the kids get older, for everyone needs time to think, relax, and rest. The frantic pace of twenty-first century life has almost obliterated memory of quietness and serenity. The fact remains, though, that we are humans, not hamsters, and ceaseless running on a treadmill going nowhere cannot be good for us. Jacob Abbott said (ca. 1850) that "many hours of solitary occupation and enjoyment, will lead to the development of the highest intellectual and moral traits of character; in fact, his mental resources may be considered entirely unknown and unexplored, who cannot spend his best and happiest hours alone." Each member of the family should be able to choose how to spend quiet time, but it should be spent doing something - reading, a quiet hobby or craft, writing, or just thinking - alone. The ability to be quiet and alone is rare, but valuable. How else can thoughts be developed, ideas be captured, and spirits be renewed? Without solitude, when would art, literature, or music be created? According to Thomas Alva Edison, " The best thinking has been done in solitude. The worst has been done in turmoil." Make serenity a part of family life, and everyone will benefit.
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Use current events to communicate about life issues within the family.
Seek quality sources for current events and commentary, for the perspective from which news is reported can, over time, subtly shape the way you think. We live in a time when information is constantly available in any format, from virtually any ideological perspective. It is both a responsibility and a privilege to choose with discrimination the information that shapes our thoughts, attitudes, and opinions. We should treat our minds, that is, ourselves, as innocent and ingenuous children, whose guardians we are, and be careful what objects and what subjects we thrust on their attention. Read not the Times. Read the Eternities. (Henry David Thoreau, 1817-1862)

As your family grows together you will inevitably communicate about many important issues. Think of the discussion of current events as a dress rehearsal for discussing touchier personal issues that arise as your children get older.

In order to be fully literate, you must be able to understand that there is more than one way of perceiving a subject (what is true does not change, but the understanding of truth is affected by many things), and few people adopt opinions without reason. Understanding this makes it possible to conduct conversations on a mature level- discussing issues and addressing questions without putting down the person whose perception differs from yours. Always be gracious in discussion, as a "know it all" or "I told you so" attitude is demeaning to others, and teens are particularly sensitive to being disrespected.

When choosing news sources, look for in-depth coverage of issues, but don't always seek sources that reflect only one ideological perspective. If you have personal beliefs, convictions, and standards based on a firm foundation, learning what others think and believe can strengthen your own convictions, while enabling you to interact more understandingly with others who differ from you.

Remember, "Every man should periodically be compelled to listen to opinions which are infuriating to him. To hear nothing but what is pleasing to one is to make a pillow of the mind." (St. John Ervine) "The first to present his case seems right, till another comes forward and questions him." (Proverbs 18:17 NIV)

Therefore, if you listen to All Things Considered on National Public Radio, choose a newspaper with another viewpoint on current events and culture. I enjoy the global news coverage of All Things Considered, as well as the essays, commentary, and historical retrospectives provided, but I do occasionally turn off a story that I regard as unsuitable for family listening. We also do not listen to the rabid rants of talk radio - I wouldn't allow my children to indulge in ridicule and ad hominem attacks with one another, and I see no reason to allow strangers to pollute our home atmosphere by doing so from the radio. It's all part of being a discriminating consumer, rather than an empty vessel waiting to be filled.
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Plant seeds of knowledge, then give them time to grow.
Input must always come before output, so don't expect more from your child in any area than he has absorbed. When a child is learning a challenging skill such as writing, for example, don't expect great results if he has not had a lot of quality input in the form of conversation, reading, and listening to books read aloud. Edith Schaeffer writes, If children haven't been read to, they don't love books. They need to love books, for books are the basis of literature, composition, history, world events, vocabulary, and everything else.' Just as it takes several gallons of milk to make one pound of cheese, it takes a lot more input than you may suppose to produce a child who can think and write clearly. What a child is taught in traditional school is often too little, too late. Parents have the happy privilege of being the child's first and most important teacher, so make the most of the opportunity. The job of a teacher is to excite in the young a boundless sense of curiosity about life, so that the growing child shall come to apprehend it with an excitement tempered by awe and wonder.'(John Garrett) New knowledge that can somehow be connected to something already understood is much more easily remembered than scattered facts, so make it a point to look for connections from new to old knowledge. It's amazing how connected the universe is, and what fun it is to discover those connections. It's at these "aha!" moments that the joy of learning bubbles over.
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Be aware of the seasons of life, and know what is best for life now.
Say "no" to too many extracurricular activities. Nothing excellent can be done without leisure. (Andre Gide, 1869-1951) It's so hard to be serene, to create pleasant family memories and experiences when you're stretched to the breaking point with outside activities. Childhood is brief, and years of school and work are ahead for nearly everyone. Unstructured time provides children the opportunity to become acquainted with themselves and to develop interests and hobbies. Unstructured time allows parents to unwind and focus on the people and things that mean the most in life. Stephen Covey in The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People suggests that it's important to "begin with the end in mind." What sort of childhood do you want your children to remember? What do you remember most about your own childhood? Think about yourself - how do you want your children to remember you? We are all human, and we tend to function best when we're not stressed and exhausted, so make it possible for yourself to be pleasant and happy by saying "no" to the things that don't contribute to your family's best long-term interests. Dost thou love Life? Then do not squander Time; for that's the Stuff Life is made of. (Benjamin Franklin, 1706-1790, in Poor Richard's Almanac)
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Finally, self-education, the kind that really sticks, is usually acquired over the course of many years. I have found that most subjects are like a ball of yarn: once you find the end and begin to unwind it, you discover that it's tangled up with all the other yarn in your workbasket, and it's impossible to use it or think of it in isolation. Knowledge is cumulative: the more you know, the easier it is to remember new knowledge because you are able to connect it with what you already know.

If you would like to reprint this article in a support-group newsletter or magazine, you may do so, as long as the article is printed in its entireity, including the copyright notice and credit paragraph. I just request that you send me a copy of the printed article for my files. Thanks!

© 2002-2006 Janice Campbell
Janice Campbell is an alternative education specialist, writer, and speaker, and the author of Transcripts Made Easy: Your Friendly Guide to High School Paperwork.

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